In Love...

So I'm guessing things between Candice and I are not mend-able. She has made her choice. So I just need to move on from that whole situation.

As for things between me and Andrew, well I realized the first day he got back from christmas break (well I kind of had that inclination from the start cuz i never did 'fall' for him like I do with other guys, I just agreed to date hoping there would be a spark) that I just didn't want anything more from him than friendship. unfortunately he was into me like a lot, so it made it really hard to tell him, but honesty is best and he was hurt. But it would not have been fair to continue leading him on. Also moreso the reason I agreed to it was because I needed a distraction from Candice and Brendan. Now Candice and Brendan are probably out of my life, and Andrew isn't going to talk to me for a while (if ever) because he needs time. In the meantime Meghan, Melissa and I have become really close friends. and a special someone (Cody <3 ) has come into my life.

The only, well blip, with this is that he is married, but I really hope he legitimately likes me and stays. His hubby is going to Nova Scotia for work in the military reasons, and he was supposed to go but he is staying. I am aware that this kinda makes me look like a homewrecker, but there is a lot to the story... and i'm not going to get into all the details..

It's almost as if it's fate that we met each other. I'm the man of his dreams (teehee) and he's just amazing. The only other person I liked this much was straight, and my best friend in the end of 2008 and through the first half of 2009, Josh. Until he got this stupid girlfriend to which he decided to devote ALL time with and completely write me out of his social life. But hey, I moved on. I know I am falling fast with Cody, but I usually do. It just feels right. I am super attracted to him and he seems like a genuinely nice guy. He cares about me, I care about him, I love just being around him even if we're not doing anything exciting. He makes me laugh, I make him laugh. and I just want to be with him. It's the first time that I have feelings this strong for someone AND they like me back. I think about him almost all the time. like my phone is literally filled with Cody texts. I really hope this works out. I don't want to get hurt. Anyway I'm looking super forward for Friday. We're supposed to spend the day together and I can't wait. I want to date him. =D

Anyway, that's just a slight overview of the current events in my life :) I'm probably going to spend the rest of tonight texting and reading. (I would also be surprised if this blog even gets read, lol)

Quit the dramatic Antics

So Candice has been making a bunch of statuses lately about best friends not standing beside her when its tough. Not that I can see anything she's doing, She hid her wall and any recent activity from Myself, Meghan and Melissa. Well I could drop to that level. Something like "Best friends don't lie to your face and deceive you" "Best friends don't set you up to fall harder" shit along those lines.. but no, when she does ask, if she does ask, I can lay it all out on the table, in a mature matter. I'm not trying to start a fight. I just want her to know how I feel. especially if she's going to be runnin her mouth without any understanding whatsoever of what she's done and why it hurts me. I mean it isn't all about her and that's all she's taking into consideration.

Why does it hurt? Well she lied about liking him, kept pushing me to him as if I had a chance while she knew she was the one who had the chance. Yes them being together is slightly a jealousy thing, however the way it all happened is mostly why I'm upset. I was blindsided. I was given no heads up and I had to hear that they were a couple from facebook? I'm hidden from seeing her facebook and the New Years pictures of her and Brendan. Obviously that's intentional since they never tagged themselves to the pictures at all either. And that's just with me, none of Meghans issues.

Now...

So there was one bar night that brendan told me i should get wasted if he's driving us, so i do and i was a bit clingy flirty.. nothing worse than my birthday, in fact A LOT milder than my birthday, but he made a point to tell me to ease up, which pissed me off.. like he can be bi when hes drunk, but when he tells me to get smashed and i get flirty its a different thing.. either way he made a point to say its not happening and that he isnt gay. so i wasnt going to keep trying with him..
this all happened during my 'giving brendan another chance to be around' but now that i know they like each other and had that little insight, i cant be the same around them cuz candice wasnt being honest from the start and watching them they do like each other, and she still encouraged me to get close to him and such and that is just setting me up for a harder fall, so i began to just ignore brendan completely. considering he isn't healthy for my mentality for the time being. And candice knows that im upset and why.

So anyway, in the time that has passed, Me and Brendan's friend Andrew kinda hit it off and could have been dating already but decided that i dont want to start anything RIGHT before christmas so i said our first date would be when he gets back to res.. but whenever candice and brendan, meghan and I would go to the bar for the week before xmas break i invited andrew as well.
well like 2 days before they go for xmas break im on my way to barrie to go xmas shopping with andrew and meghan, and on the highway i got a text from candice asking me if i would hate her if she started dating brendan, so all of a sudden this "i dont really like him" isn't true.. surprise surprise.. So i didnt answer for a bit finally with a "I cant answer this", well she texted meg something similar.. (meghan and brendan had a thing at the beginning of the school year, and candice is also meghans best friend, so candice is also in violation of girl code's DONT DATE MY EXE thingy) anyway, meghan was avoiding the question all night too and finally talked to candice on facebook that night, i guess she said something along the lines of "i dont fucking care, u've made your choice.. but think of who you're hurting"

so candice held off 'dating' him so i could get over him (like it happens that easy -.-) and she thinks that because me and andrew are going to be dating that its all of a sudden a green light to date him.. No, i'm dating andrew because im over brendan, Im dating andrew because i cant stay around brendan and keep trying if its not going anywhere, im moving on but im not over him.. and because she set me up for that fall and didnt talk to me about it from the start, I will never be okay with the 2 of them dating.

Well turns out anything that i have been saying, and meghan has been saying. has ALL been relayed right back to brendan, so ive just stopped talking about him. I was going to talk to candice after new years and before they get back from xmas break and explain how i feel and stuff. and my point of view and why it hurts me so much, but it seems its too late...

I guess brendan drove the 3 hours to be in the area on new years -.-
So new years comes around, and candice's relationship status changes to no longer single, and brendan made 7 posts announcing that he now has a GF. Well me and meghan are really hurt she did this to us. and we're both like Fuck it, she made her choice, she got what she wanted. So im ignoring her and avoiding her, i could just say FUCK IT you're a lousy friend, but i do care about her, and she is my friend somewhat, so this response seems fine. She didnt tell either one of us that it was happening.

Anyway, Andrew and Brendan are good friends, so me dating him i might still have to be around him, but the last 2 times i was out with them i made such a great and successful effort of not making eye contact or talk to Brendan, and that is probably what im going to continue to do, as for me and Candice going out to the bars like we used to.. well fuck that. I ain't driving her. Brendan can waste his gas at fucking 1.12 a litre in his gas guzzling truck to drive here and back and here and back.. even if im going to barrie anyway to see andrew, which i probably will be doing often. So yea, thats where i'm at.

The situation copy-pasted previous situation information to date.

the guy that was in my profile pic, is 'straight', the one ive had caps of me and him in TC..
but at my bday party, i was all over him, sucked icing off his finger.. at the bar saturday he made me grind him, and then he leaned over and said i could grab his ass if I wanted
so hes bi at the least but wont admit it
but the complicated part is that he likes candice
and she wont admit it.. and has been lying to me about it
like he was grinding her and paying equal attn to candice as me, and i said to her that i think he likes her
she said no.. but yesterday fate just kinda lucked out, or someone looking out for me made it happen the way it did
but these 2 guys were over at candices, stole her phone and dropped it off at her work.. and i was going to go see her anyway, so i picked it up for her on the way to her house
and i looked at who all the missed msgs were from. and top one was brendan saying hey cutie, so i read their previous convos and such, where both said they liked the other, and have been texting lots..
and then i saw a msg from candice asking him if he said i could grab his ass, which he denied to her.. and i comfronted her about it later that night telling her i had read the convos..
and shes like i dont like him, i just said that.. meanwhile they were texting like all day yesterday, but she was being discreet about it.. so im kinda upset my bestfriend is lying about liking the same guy as me...
where she should just be honest about it.. like if we were 2 girls and this was going on and she was lying behind my back, the friendship wud be in trouble. like I understand if she likes him too, she doesnt have to spare my feelings, i understand.. but im gunna have to be the one to step back from him because shes being secretive
and if anything else happens with him, i cant tell her, cuz she might relay that im talking about him back to him... :/ soooo yea

Following that post, the next day at work... (which is all at like the beginning of december)
While i was working last night I got a few msgs from him. Just like “I saw a guy in a zehrs with a helmet” and “hows ur day going?” and i was just like okay? And fine,, then i was like u? And he said good and i said okay, and btw we need to talk.. He was like okay why? And i was just like Reasons. He was like “im sure i can guess, u can just be straight with me”, i was like you can guess but its not something i really want to do through text, then he said Fair enough but im not trying to start anything.. So i was like,” its not even really about you and Candice, its not even you, its me.” The he was all “sorry but im just a certain way” and i was like you’re apologizing and u don’t even know whats up yet? And then again he says he can guess. So i sent 4 msgs.. basically like
The reason i haven’t asked you about the Land mine is because of the group that you said knew. I don’t think i can be part of the group.. I cant really be your friend because i like you too much, and with the you and Candice thing it doesn’t bother me that u like each other, just that Candice lied to me about you liking her, but in past experiences its just too hard for me to be friends with a ‘straight’ guy that i like.
So he was like i still want to be ur friend cuz otherwise it wud kill me, ur a great guy. And i was just like, its too hard and such, he apologized again (don’t know why) then hes like “Im just not gay but there is someone i can make happy if i had your blessing” So i told him That if he’s tlaking about Candice that’s up to her not me. So i told him its a lot harder because of how open he was, and he’s like “too open?” so im like when i was at the bar and you make me grind you and then lean over and tell me i can grab your ass just makes it a lot harder for me cuz i would want more, and thats why i chose not to grab your ass..
So hes like well im sorry im too open, i replied stop apologizing cause i feel bad enough as it is, then he said ‘man ur a great guy, im just not gay’..I replied “just give me time, im sure we can stay friends and such but i just need a bit of time away cuz im just driving myself insane”.. then about an hour went by.. and i got the msg that made me feel worse even tho it was trying to make me feel better?
“You need to be chill being gay must be tough and no one can understand but you. I have been in the reverse i have been in the gay bar and u see someone and u know it just isn’t happening”
So i took some time venting to Candice about that msg and finally replied with “I see guys that i know nothing is going to happen with all the time.. But it’s different when it’s with a friend that i get feelings for”
He’s like I don’t understand how u have feelings for me, so i said that we’ve known each other the same amount of time as u and Candice and u like her, And i like you, you’re not a dick, u care about me, nice, considerate.
He replied with a he tries but its hard for him to understand. So I said: “i know its hrd to understand, its like watching a girl you’re crushing on with other guys all the time, and as hard as it is to understand its even harder to deal with.. like Candice and her friends are like my only social life and I haven’t really been out that long so the thing is still new to me and i just don’t know how to deal with things properly yet.. So i just do what i know and run”. He was like “I dunno and i feel bad i like her but shes like that girl ive been waiting for and she actually treats me right” which i said ‘ it would be if u watched Candice and me at the bar with her all over a bunch of other guys and not you, it wud make it harder to be her friend cuz u wud always be jealous ‘ and he replied “I suppose i dunno if u knew what the last few months have been like for me, u may see my point more” and i was just like “Maybe. I just feel like an idiot right now. Like complete shit. Sad, lonely, tired.. Not really in a talking mood so perhaps we’ll talk later.” And he replied “Ok well feel better you’re a great guy, you deserve better than this”

That being between me and brendan, this being me and candice:
as for candice and I, as the texting started and he said he didnt want to start shit, i went over and talked to her at cold deli, since i was still at work, and shes just like "you understand why i didnt tell you right" and i was just like in a way yes, but you can be honest. like if something would have happened with you 2 later i wud feel more stupid and be like both of them were going behind my back about it. she was like "nothing would have happened, i cuddnt do that to you or meg" im like, its okay that u like him and if u want to go for him u can, its up to you, i would just like that you be honest about it considering every detail that happened with him and I, I told to you.

she said basically that she doesnt think she actually likes him, just wants to like replace jeremy cuz she wants the companionship..still encouraging me that I have a shot with him sort of thing.. but basically things are good here for now...

The last post I made on this:

So Happy drunken CuJo from last night turned into grumpy annoyed CuJo by the end of the night because stupid me can't control his stupid feelings.
The time away from Brendan that I want has not been mutually agreed, in fact, on wednesday, in reply to me telling him i like him and need to distance myself a bit from him was "You should come to the Gym with me, you'd make a good spot".. And that night he asked me what time i was showing up to the bar, to which i replied "I never said i was going anywhere?" and he was like, i assumed you would be.. and then he showed up and found us, and I gave him the cold shoulder, and he got all butthurt and sad and went all solo in the patio section in the cold winter weather, and i noticed this a few times and felt super bad so eventually just went and talked to him. Fuck it was cold outside.
Basically he said he's sorry he leads me on and that he wasn't gay because he really wants me to be happy and doesn't want me to struggle being around him, and how Candice is like his perfect girl (for some reason) and that he doesn't like being used for 1 night stands and that me and my friends are genuine good people.
So we were on better terms, the last 2 times at the bar he is the same way he was before I told him I like him, which he says he's just a flirty person overall. But it doesn't make it easy to be around him, especially when he says he's sorry for leading me on, but doesn't stop. But yea, saturday night I just got pissy for no apparent reason and just lost all my fun-ness and felt like a complete D-bag cause I was isolating myself. I have the tendency to close myself off to people I'm close to when upset.
I'm still trying to figure myself out and such, and not sure how to go about this whole Brendan situation, but I do want to stay in the friend zone, I just need to learn to separate my feelings. Hopefully this happens sooner than later.

I will post more on the subject perhaps.